... the waking up is the hardest part." - John Mayer
I thought about doing this post a while ago, but eventually decided against it because I wasn't sure I wanted to get too personal on here. But after spending time with some of my best girlfriends this weekend, and after they made a toast to me “finally being back”, I thought maybe I should write this since I’m at a completely different place in my life than I was last year.
This past year was quite a transition for me, and I can truly say now that I’m so thankful for all the changes. I started this blog a few months ago, which I'm loving writing and I got a new job that I'm enjoying and see lots of opportunities for growth in my new position, but the beginning of 2010 didn't start out so great for me.
At this time last year almost exactly to the day, I felt like my world had completely crashed down on me because of a break-up with my first love. It sounds so dramatic and I never thought I’d be that girl, but there I was. I was that pathetic, heartbroken girl who couldn’t stop crying and dwelling over a guy. I didn’t want to be around anyone because I didn’t want to talk about it, but the isolation made the sadness so much heavier. Break-ups are like a death - you have to grieve. And grieve I did.
I could never have imagined saying this then, but I look back now and I’m truly beyond grateful for the heartbreak I endured. Without it, I would most likely be living a lifetime of regret eventually marrying a man who was the complete epitome of everything I did NOT want in a spouse. Now it is so easy for me to say, “WHAT WAS I THINKING???” (And I still ask myself this all the time) One of my favorite quotes is, “The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.” Seriously, this couldn’t be truer for me.
Supposedly “time heals all wounds”, but I don’t know if I believe that. I think it’s what you do with that time that determines if your wounds are going to heal or not. There are a lot of things in life we are predisposed to which are out of our control, but there is so much we do have power over. I’m a firm believer that you can’t blame your life circumstances on who you are or let it hold you back from what you are capable of becoming.
I had been hurt pretty badly by an important person in my life several years before this break-up, and I had a choice to use it as a clutch in life or I could let it make me a stronger person. Admittedly it took a while and a lot of “why me?”, but eventually I decided that even though I couldn’t control this person’s actions, I could control mine.
I came to this realization again this year, and this philosophy of controlling your own destiny gave me my power back. It’s nothing I didn’t already know, but sometimes we have to remind ourselves of it. With the help of amazing best friends, my loving family and a lot of self-reflection, the pain began to subside a little bit every day. Before I knew it, I was back to my happy place.
Of course I’m not perfect and everyone has good and bad days, but I'm what my friends said, “Finally back”. I’m back to the old Lindsey Lee. The pale, blonde girl with a splotchy sunless tan who is obsessed with reality TV and loves wine with the girls. I can’t say I would want to go through last year again, but I’m glad I did and I can’t wait to see what 2011 has in store.